The Before & The Now

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Hello! And Welcome to my Weight Loss Blog..... "Sexy or Bust"....

I decided to start with some background. You know, get the past out there and then leave it where it belongs (in the past). So to begin, the above picture is what I like to call "the before and the now" because I refuse to let my current size be my "after". I know that my "after" is far better!

The 1st row of pictures are a collection of pictures from ages 14-19. If you take a good look, I've never been a stick or a twig or any other reference to "skinny" that there is. I am curvy and I am proud to be curvy. My weight loss goal is not to be an unrealistic size, a size that I haven't been since middle school, but rather a nice healthy, curvy size.

As a young girl in a size 6, I never thought of myself as fat....but rather that I weighed more than my size 0 friends. I didn't understand how I had cellulite and they didn't. Why were my thighs and hips and butt so much larger? I think this began my obsession with my size. My mom took a picture of me in my bikini once when I was around 16. When those pictures were developed, and I saw them I felt like crying. I thought I looked disgusting. All I could see was fat. Today, I look at that same picture and wanted to reach inside and smack the girl I once was.

As you can see from one of my pictures, I participated in school pageants. And the week before each pageant I would starve myself and eat lettuce sandwiches (basically bread, 1 slice of turkey, and about 2 inches of lettuce). I felt like I had to lose those extra 5lbs before the competition in order to succeed. Most of these thoughts were brought on myself. I mean my parents, family, friends, etc never called me fat. Because I wasn't. But I just never felt like I could measure up to all the size 0-4s.

And then I had a boyfriend...who instead of making me feel amazing made me feel even more out of shape. One night we were out on my front porch saying our goodbyes for the evening and he did something that probably scarred me more than I thought. (And this was 11 years ago...and it still bothers me). He lightly slapped my thigh and as it "jiggled" he said, "you should really try to tone up some." It made me want to cry, I didn't understand why someone who loved me could say something like that! Needless to say, that relationship didn't last very long...

After high school keeping weight off seemed harder than I imagined. The Freshman 15 happened faster than anticipated and an additional 5...errrrr 10? lbs found their way to my thighs and mid section. I transitioned from a curvy size 6/8 to a "thick" size 10. Most of my friends encouraged me and I felt like at peace with my size. I didn't mind being thick. You might ask why? Why as a size 10 did I feel okay with my body versus my smaller 6/8? And as I sit here trying to figure it out, I can't. I don't really have an answer. But for some reason I felt sexy. I felt like I had an identity. I stopped comparing myself to other unrealistic sizes.

And then when I finally stopped thinking about my size, life took some unexpected turns. I got married and divorced young. The stress of planning a wedding while my fiancee was away in the military, the stress of being a newlywed, and the stress of being a divorcee all added pounds. Secretly I might add. I didn't wake up and have an extra 20lbs on my body. But in that 2-3 year span, those 20lbs showed up.

I was hovering at a size 14. I knew something had to change. I needed to take control of my weight before it got out of hand. So began the diet roller coaster. I tried skipping meals (that didn't last long). I joined a gym (I think I still owe them!). I attempted Atkins-like diets. (but I love my carbs.) 48 hour diet? Did that! Twice! And with every fail, a few extra pounds were added. And then, yup you guessed it, life took another turn.

At 23, in between a size 14/16, I got pregnant. And with a sigh of relief, I put away my metaphorical running shoes. I embraced pregnancy and the montage "Its okay, I'm eating for 2." Even though, thanks to the constant reminder from my OB/GYN, I knew eating for 2 is just a myth. Since my daughter was born in Oct 2007, I have bounced between a 16, an 18, and a 20. I tried joining Curves and while I was doing it I got great results. I took Adipex (yes a diet pill), and while I was doing it---again I got great results. Last year (2009) I did Jenny Craig for about 5 months. I lost around 35lbs. I felt awesome. But as a single mom, the monetary cost of JC ultimately became too much. And I even joined another gym!

So, faster than the weight was lost, the weight (plus) was regained. Which brings me to today and that 2nd row of pictures from above. I know I am a pretty woman. I know my husband of 5 months thinks I am sexy. And I know he loves me no matter what size I am. My problem? I don't love me at the size I am. If you look at the pictures in row 2 you will see a mask. I put on a smile and strike my best "skinny" pose. Every ounce of air is sucked from my body and I am holding muscles in unthinkable ways in order to maybe disguise a roll or two. And if that doesn't work, I use something or someone to hide behind.

Well I don't want to hide anymore! I am a newlywed! I have my 10 year high school reunion coming up sometime this year. I want to make a change. My life is finally on track, and I want my size and my self worth to be on track too. So here I am. Blogging. Hoping to have readers who will encourage me and be encouraged. If you enjoyed this post, please share with a few friends.

For me, Day One was about putting my past and my excuses, behind me. Stay tuned for Day Two. I plan on using tomorrow to talk about my goals and expectations.

With much hope and a lot of prayer,

Lizzy

*Sexy or Bust*