Day 4/5: Being Fat makes me feel:

I guess you could consider this the title of a really messed up English assignment...but here goes. Being fat is not only a physical feature but its also an emotional and mental mindset. Let me explain, if I stepped on a scale or looked in the mirror or at a picture I see fat. That's physical fat. But you know what? There are moments each day (besides when I am sleeping) when I don't feel fat. When my husband smiles at me (or kisses me, etc) I don't feel fat. When I find myself reading a good book, or watching a really exciting movie or show---I don't feel fat. Cooking an amazing meal, playing dolls with my daughter, etc..I don't feel fat. Then I walk by a mirror or catch a glimpse of myself in the reflection on my glass. And BAM all the fatness smacks me in the face. Or I look down and see my stomach or my thighs and get disappointed. I think, "wait, where did that come from? Wasn't I just skinny in my mind?"

I am not sure if I think like this because I haven't always been plus size or if all people who are overweight think like that. Sometimes I still think I am the size I was in high school or college. And it is the worst feeling ever when reality hits and I realize I am a far cry from being that girl. There are days (and a few miracle outfits) that I feel okay with my size but I never want the size I am now to be who I am for the rest of my life. Or God forbid, I let myself go even more. I have to think about my daughter and husband and our future children. I know that it will only be even harder to have a 2nd child if I don't do something soon.

Being fat also makes me feel like a failure. There are somethings I feel I failed at before I even began. As a new wife, I feel like I should also try and put my best self forward. And I do try. But because I my size, my best efforts always seem mediocre in my mind. (There is that darn emotional/mental fat again). I love being a mom and I know my daughter loves having me as her mom but I feel like I have failed in somethings too. I dread taking Bella outside to the park because I am so physically unfit. I get winded after 5 minutes. So instead of taking her to the park right outside, I would rather take her to the mall playground so she can run and play and I can sit down. Sad, I know. Right now I use the excuse that is too cold here in Maryland and I don't want her to get sick. But if I want to be honest with myself and with you all, I would probably say the same thing in the the summer. In fact, I have. And now I am starting a new job. I just finished the training (which is why I have been in a hotel for 2 weeks.) and my first day is tomorrow. I am nervous of course, but the main thing that runs through my mind is that I am fat. And will my coworkers only see me as a fat girl. Most of the people I know, have known me as both sizes. Or have at least seen both sizes in pictures. These people, along with customers will only know the fat me. Oh how I hate that.

So, folks, I am determined to change. Change my physical but also change my mindset. I need to be more positive about who I am. If I want people to like me I need to like myself. And if I like myself, I need to make sure I am healthy and happy...Otherwise who else will? I've been blessed to have relatively good health considering my size and family history (diabetes, high blood pressure, and bad cholesterol problems all run in my family). Time to stop gambling my health away. Only safe bet is to do it the right way.

Thanks for reading my rants. In a little while I am going to brave the grocery store and stock my shelves with healthy choices. Wish me luck! Check back later tonight for Day Five: The Grocery Store. Share me with your friends, comment, and keep reading!

-with much hope and a lot of prayer

Lizzy
*Sexy or Bust*